Too Little, Too Much
by cardita
Summary: Phil is overworked, stressed but unwilling to free up time. People worry for him but he won't stop. Now, he adds one boy to his list of things to do - can he take it.
1. Chapter 1

"The problem is that you take on too much work. You need to give yourself a break."

I could really see his point.

Every day, my teacher would ask if I was okay, and every time I would get angry. Mostly due to my denial, but also it got repetitive. I didn't want to believe that I took on too much – it didn't feel like too much. It felt good, fun, and only a bit tiring sometimes, but not often.

"I keep my eye on you. I really like you, I care, but I can see you do too much and the tiredness affects you so much," he said, looking at me with concern. "There is not much I can do but try and help."

This time he held me behind after my lesson. We got an exam result back and I had only got an A, so I was stressed. Then some girl behind me started going on about how she wished I could move my head so she could see. It was said with a bit of frustration, and on a good day it wouldn't had bothered me, but I was already stressed so I couldn't help it.

I said nothing to her, but my face went red and anyone can look at me and see I've been bothered by something. It was a talent.

"So, go on Phil, how much sleep do you get?" he asked.

"5 hours a night I'd say, 2 till 7 am," I replied. I was often asked that question by my mum, who was concerned. She never wanted me to be so busy, it was just how I liked it.

"What do you do till then? You need more sleep then that."

"Well," I began, preparing my speech which I've repeated to my mother many times previously. "I am in school till 4. Then I walk to the café for work, which starts at half 4 and ends at about 6. After that I walk home, cook tea, and eat it, which is until half 7. Till half 8 I go to chess club. Then I get home, do homework, study, make food for lunch the next day, shower, sleep."

It didn't sound like much, but it was all worthwhile in my head. I was not out doing drugs like most people my age, so why would people have problems?

"Oh. I also run a charity's social media accounts."

He smiled at me, almost in a proud way. He was a fairly young teacher, in his mid-thirties. For my entire senior school experience, he had been my geography teacher. Since starting the school, I cannot recall one time when he has told me off, even when blatantly breaking the rules. He would just smile, give out a little laugh, push his glasses further up his nose and carry on. Whenever he got angry with me, he would never yell like he did at the other kids. He would just look at me quizzically, pat his brown-haired head and stand up. The teacher knew that his tall stature always intimidated me, even since I grew to be the same height as him.

"Phil, that's mildly ridiculous – you need to stop one of them. I've had emails from your mother and she agrees too. Shall we discuss which one?"

I nodded, knowing it was about time. Exams were coming up and I knew he was right – I didn't think I'd cope otherwise.

"So, firstly, the charity social media has to go, no argument. Someone else can easily take that job. OK?" I nodded, internally wincing at the first elimination.

"So how about you give the cooking to your mum?"

 _They must have exchanged emails,_ I thought. No teacher would suggest this first off, because it would be least likely if you had busy or pushy parents. However, it wasn't like that for me.

Cooking was one of my few talents. I loved it. For my birthday, I would get cooking instruments, and in my rare spare time, I would love going to the supermarket. It sounded ridiculously boring but it was what I replaced the TV with, and it made sense to me. I preferred being useful then being lazy. It also relieved some weight off of my shoulders.

"No, Mr James. I love cooking," I began, shaking my head. "I don't want to give the evening meal away." I stopped for a second, thinking. "What about I make extra of the meal and have that for lunch the next day?"

He nodded and we continued down the list.

"Chess? How do you feel about getting rid of that?"

Chess was not there for the enjoyment of it. It was the best thing that I had for my personal statement for Universities. It looked good, I was fairly good at it and despite my dislike for it, it seemed like a good use of my time.

I explained why I did it and he understood. Mr James smiled his proud smile again, saying he went through years of hockey for the same reason.

"So that leaves us with the job," he said. "I understand, the money is really useful. I get it. I'm just wondering how else we can ease your time."

I nodded again. We seemed to do a lot of nodding. We understood each other so why couldn't this have come any sooner.

"Yeah, it does help," I started, trying to think over it. Really, I did it to raise money for weekend activities, but over the time I got it, we got better financially, and mum started giving me more money. There was no need for it any more. "But I can cope. I'll call the manager as soon as I'm out of school."

The bell beeped, signalling the end of the school day. I stood up, grabbing my bag.

"Thank you," I called to Mr James, as I was by the door to the classroom. "Have a wonderful half-term!"

I was done with school for a week. A well needed rest was going to come.


	2. Chapter 2

As I left the school I called my manager. We got on well. She was a lovely, bubbly character. She said that I was able to quit by the end of today, but I needed to do my shift for this day to collect money. This didn't bother me at all.

I entered the café through the side entrance. It was very modern, but very casual. Mostly, it was painted in white with a few areas of exposed brick behind the counter. There were some cakes and pies behind the counter but mostly things were prepared in the small kitchen. Huge windows looked out onto the gardens which lay upon it. On beautiful, sunny days, this meant the café was packed. Today was not one of those days.

"Hi Phil!" Emily chirped from behind the counter.

Me and Emily were the youngest people working in the café. For this reason, we were always put behind the counter because we were chatty and a good face. It made everybody think it was lively inside.

I entered the area and gave her a huge hug. "Today is my last day," I told her. She wasn't pleased, but she said it would be good for a break.

"How will Leonardo cope!?" she cried jokingly.

This was an inside joke of ours. Leonardo was not this man's name, but boy did we want it to be. Every day, the same man would walk in, asking for some form of pie, and spend the entire day composing music. He said he was Italian and spoke Italian: he even had the Italian accent. However, one of our newer employees also speaks Italian and tried to speak to him. All he did was giggle and walk away. She asked where in Italy was he from.

Over time, it became a bigger joke. He started to come in with weird clothes. On this particular day, he was wearing a green top, a brown kilt, fishnet tights and platform heels. He was also experimenting with his hair, so there were some green dreadlocks in his hair too. It was odd. I certainly didn't like serving him.

"I wonder how he currently copes with life," I joked, putting my apron on.

I served a few customers, with little a sing along to the radio in between. Usually we played just national radio in the café, it was only on special occasions which we changed.

"Oh Phil." The manager was coming up to me, with big open arms. She was strange, but we had respect for each other. I went into the hug.

"I know, I'm sorry," I said.

She hushed me, not wanting to know. Her mentality was that she didn't mind, but just wanted us to be OK. This was the best mentality for any employer to have, but it could be the wrong business move at times it seemed.

"For when you're done, I've left your money with your stuff and a cupcake. We will miss you, do come back and visit."

It was only 5 pm and she was becoming sentimental. I still had an hour left.

"And I'm going to put on a song you love, just for you."

This got me excited. I wasn't too sure if I'd expressed my music taste often. It was odd and ranged from rock to anime music to country music – if Taylor Swift counts. I wanted to see how well she knew me, but then again, I think I would have loved any song she would have put on.

That was when Madness by Muse started to play.

It wasn't necessarily pop, but it wasn't a rock song either. It was like a techno indie mix, if I were to put a genre on it. I couldn't help but bop around. I couldn't dance, but I could bop. My 'bop' included doing a vertical Mexican wave in my body whilst turning around and mouthing the music in every direction I could. I could hear Emily laughing at me.

The laughter to me meant do more and make it embarrassing.

I started to sing it in different voices. The Mexican wave moved into my arms. My voice began to imitate the guitars, trying to reach the high notes which I thought my voice could reach. Emily let me know, I could certainly not reach them. When the final chorus hit, I closed my eyes, letting my entire body free, into this amazing Mexican wave which collapsed. Collapsed right on the floor as I tried to dramatize my bop.

My arms reached up to Emily, as if I was begging for help as I sung. But it was not reaching to Emily. As I opened my eyes I saw a customer. He was standing right in front of me, looking down at me and sniggering.

I stood up, staring at the man dressed in black. My face scrunched up into a snigger too. I could feel my cheeks turning into a rosy pink as I made eye contact. His brown eyes locked with me.

"Hi," I said awkwardly, letting out a huge, disgusting noise with it. I couldn't contain my laughter.

"You know," he began. "I came in here to hear my favourite song and get a coffee."

I was braced for some form of horrific insult or complaint. Either would have been understandable.

"I think I've just seen the best dance to it too. Teach me it maybe?"

We both laughed. From underneath a navy hoody, I saw a Muse t-shirt. I should have seen it when I first looked.

"We also have the same hairstyle," he said. "We could mirror it!"

By this time, my sides were hurting. That would be hilarious. I'm not sure if I could stand that. His hair was a dark brown, with a fringe brushed to the side. Mine was similar, but black. We could have been twins, but I don't think a twin of mine would look so attractive.

"It took me a lifetime to have that sort of skill, do you have 17 years?" I asked, giggling.

"Well I've spent my 17 years of life currently learning nothing, so maybe dancing will be the one thing that sticks," he replied, laughing too.

"Ah. That's a shame. I only bop."

He laughed, introducing himself. Daniel Howell, he called himself. A nice, simple name. It was no Jupiterious Astranasious or something difficult. Just Daniel Howell.

"So what school are you in?" I asked him.

"Kingston, you?"

"Oh, same. Wait. Why haven't I seen you around then?"

He looked at me and smiled.

"I haven't actually been before. I moved here two days ago to be with my Dad. He doesn't move around like my Mum does so it will be better. I'm starting after the half term."

"So, I'm the first person you've met? Let me take your number so you at least know someone there!"

We exchanged numbers, and he said he would text me in the holidays. He seemed to cool and down to earth. I couldn't help but feel some form of attraction towards him. Dan didn't think my dancing was odd, he was cute and was fairly normal. I really liked him.

However, he left without his coffee, so he was rather forgetful too.


	3. Chapter 3

_I really hope Dan was just forgetful_.

That was all I could think for that whole week. He said he would text me in the holidays but he never did. It got to the Monday morning of school starting, and I still had not received a text message. All I could think was I had to now awkwardly face him.

"Phil! Are you ready?" my mum called. She always gave me a lift to school on the first day of a term. I rushed downstairs to greet her, grabbing my coat and bag. Together, we got into the car.

She started the engine, letting it run for a minute. It was bad for the environment, but everything was cold and icy. Even in October, Britain was freezing.

"Mum, I have a question."

"If it's about getting another job I don't want to hear it."

I laughed. At least she worried so much. Most parents would be insistent on their child working and getting what they would call real experience of the world. She cared about my health, which was a better way to be.

"No, I need advice," I said. _Here we go, don't chicken out of this._ "There is a potential partner that I have." _A bit far? He didn't show much interest._ "And he said he would text me but he hasn't texted back. Should I be worried."

She looked at me, then behind as she tried to reverse out. I shouldn't have asked her when she needed to pay attention to the road – how stupid.

"Phil, I wouldn't worry. You probably gave him the wrong number or something. If you meet again I'm sure it will be fine."

"He goes to my school. I will see him again, I just think he won't be interested in me."

She looked at me again, smirking this time.

"You have my good looks and your fathers charm. You're a catch. He will love you."

"Phil!"

I saw him run over to me as I got out the car. I turned around to my mum and winked. That way, she knew.

Dan looked great in our uniform. He had a slender body which the tight, white shirt and long black trousers suited well. The green and white tie suited him well. The blazer was well fitted and shaped him well. He looked like a real man, and he towered over the tiny year sevens who passed him.

 _He is just as tall as me,_ I thought to myself. _That's hard to find._

"Dan, you never called or texted?" I said. Clearly it wasn't because of not wanting to, if he was so happy to see me.

He looked at me quizzically. Then, his face changed. Confused to deep in thought to realisation. His mouth opened.

"I was going to say the same to you. You were meant to call me."

"No."

"Yes."

We laughed. Clearly there was some form of mix-up in all of this, but it bothered neither of us. We still got on, talking about our love for odd music, games, and weird videos online. It didn't tamper with our bond, and I still thought I had a chance with him.

As we walked inside, we got his timetable and figured out his classes. He was in most of the same ones as me, with us even sharing the same form room. I showed him there.

"Top o' the morning to you, Phil," Mr James said as I sauntered in.

"Teachers pet I see," Dan called from behind, making me laugh. As I turned I saw Mr James scowl at him. Dan was cool, but I knew he would have the sort of attitude that Mr James would hate.

The teacher walked over to us. He had raised eyebrows and a frown: a look I had never received in my 6 years of attending the school.

"New boy? Dan, is it?" he said, tilting his head as he looked at him ", I see your old school taught you confidence, but not a lot of manners. Manners would teach you that you should keep your mouth shut and learn about environments before excerpting your arrogance."

He turned around. I couldn't tell if it was a bad day or just him getting really annoyed. To be fair to him, he probably also recognises that on my bad days, that comment would get on my nerves too. It probably didn't mean too much.

"Dickhead," Dan whispered, sitting down.

He locked eyes with the teacher. I could sense the glare from Mr James. I'd never seen him so angry, yet trying not to let it out. It was as if he had sensed something bad or had something against Dan. From what I could tell, it was just a clash of personalities – alpha against alpha.

"What did you say?" the teacher asked, trying to control his voice.

"He said that you would know a lot about environments as you are a Geography teacher," I said, almost timidly. I smiled weakly, trying to avert the anger. His glare moved to me, firstly vicious but then it softened.

I sat down next to Dan, getting out my stuff for the first lessons. I looked at him and smiled weakly too. Personality clash definitely – neither of them are bad.

"Wow. That teacher has favourites."

"He's only human. We all have favourites."

He tried to soften his face and relax. More people came into the room, and the atmosphere became friendlier. It was tense, but better. I couldn't shake what it was, but there was certainly some sort of clash which I did not like.

"Oh, hey Dan! I didn't know you would be here!"

A girl called Alice rushed into the room. She beamed at him. _For God's sake, he is dating her._ My hopes shattered as she came and knelt at his desk.

"My café buddy! How are you?"

"I'm good, how are you?"

"Missing out on my morning jog in the park. It was good seeing you there every morning though."

Alice was known for her good exercise routines. Every morning she would go for a run around the park and then get a juice at the café I used to work in. It was good and meant the café got good business. During school time, she would switch it to afternoons.

 _He was there daily at the café._

"Anyway, good seeing you." She walked off to the rest of her friends. They were peering over and swooning over him. Maybe they weren't together after all, but if he had interest in her or her friends, Dan would be able to get them.

I looked at him. He had gone red in the face. Slowly he turned his head towards me, biting his bottom lip as he winced.

"Why were you waiting at the café every day?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

He looked at me. "I was nervous, OK? You didn't respond," he retaliated. "It was only on Friday that Emily told me you had left."

It felt good knowing somebody had such an interest in me, but I felt awful for the time which he had wasted there.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been a week since he had joined. We got on well. I felt I was gaining a solid, good new friend. It was nice to meet a male who I didn't have to act around. I didn't have to pretend that I was a lad or into smoking joints. I could be myself.

I liked him. I liked him a lot.

We spent time together mostly in school. He would talk about hanging out outside of it, but we never found a past time we could agree on. It was mostly because I didn't want to 'waste my time'. It sounded awful whenever I said it, and I felt bad. I wanted to find something which we could do together which was good for the two of us.

One day, we managed just that.

It was in an RE class. Weekly, our parents got updates on how we were doing. He had agreed with his dad to text him the updates, because he really wanted to improve. I felt sorry for him because he said he was really dissatisfied with his previous results.

"I fell behind a lot because I moved around a lot," he said, taking out his phone.

Most of his results were Cs, with some Bs. It wasn't bad, but it was not what he wanted. He looked disappointed, but mostly encouraged. Dan wanted to improve with this opportunity of staying in the same place.

"Hey, Phil. What sort of results do you get?"

And that was the dreaded question. As someone with good grades, which I was pleased with, this was the worst thing to be asked. If someone was not proud of their grades and asked you what you got, it felt awful. It felt like you were rubbing it in without the intention of rubbing it in. Clearly that wasn't what I was doing either, and luckily Dan knew that.

"Er. Mostly A*s and some As. I study a lot."

He looked happy. Dan's mouth beamed as he looked at me. "Great! Can you teach me how to study?"

Our first session was at my house. My mum approved of Dan. He seemed sweet and gentle she said. These character traits meant that she was willing to let him come around and for her to leave the living room to us. It was good. We were settled.

As we entered the room he looked at me. He looked pleased, as if he was really proud of this moment.

"Your house, it's so nice."

My house was an average house. It was the sort of semi-detached house you find in most British towns. It wasn't small, but it wasn't big.

Together, we sat down on my long, beige couch. My parents announced they were going out so we were to be left all alone. Just us. Together. If nothing was going to happen then, I was not sure when it would happen.

The front door closed and we looked at each other. We were to be revising Christian ethics, but I'm fairly that's not the sort of thing we would be thinking deeply into tonight.

"OK, Dan?" I looked at him and smiled. "We will be looking at fertility treatment. It's fairly straight forward, OK?"

He nodded, peering down at our useless textbook. It was not particularly helpful and never showed you how to answer questions well. It was going to be hard to teach him if he just looks at the textbook as a bible.

"Can you tell me what the Church of England thinks about testing on spare embryos," I asked, writing down on a flashcard. I thought he would use these to test himself later.

He thought for a second. "No. No I can't."

I chuckled. Most people would think that they would have to answer. At least he was straight up and honest. I liked that about him. "It is allowed up to the point of 14 days."

"Why 14 days, that's stupid," he exclaimed. I told him to just remember it and he sighed. "I'm better at remembering important things, such as your birthday."

 _Is he trying to flirt?_ "Go on? When is it?" I asked, wanting to see his knowledge on me.

"19th of March," he said, grinning. He looked so proud of himself.

"It's the 30th of January. That's nowhere near."

He laughed and looked down. Luckily, Dan didn't seem too embarrassed by his mistake. It was just a bit of fun after all.

"OK, give me one reason people are against fertility treatment," I said. This was the easy question.

His face fell. He knew it was meant to be the easy question too. It was the sort of question which you could get in a paper and you could make it up.

"Erm. I may need to look at RE on my own. _But_ …" his face lit up at this point, as if he had thought of something absolutely amazing. "You can help me with my science homework." He paused, looking at my face and grinning. "I need help to get to Uranus."

My face fell and I glared at him. "Get out, oh my God." He licked his pink lips and looked at mine. Dan grinned, tilting his head slightly. _He looks so attractive_ , I thought, but I had to rush the thought out of my head.

"If you're aiming to kiss me, you're going to have to try so much harder than that."

Suspense. Suspense and excitement. That's always the way forwards in these situations.


	5. Chapter 5

"Your face gets so red when you're indoors"

"That only happens when I'm around you," Dan said.

Geography became a boring lesson for me over those next 3 weeks. I no longer wanted to pay attention to Mr James and his weird remarks and bad humour. I understood why everybody else hated the subject. It was only because now I had something else to focus on.

"Do you just churn out these cheesy lines or is it actually how you feel," I asked quietly, smirking at him.

He chuckled to himself. "You can't just give me a line so simple as that to leech on to." Dan turned his voice mockingly. "It's just how I feel."

I hit his arm, giggling slightly. I noticed the teacher's eyes on me so I kept my head down, looking at my book. I wish I could flirt in peace, but no. It felt like having a parent watching over me.

I no longer had him asking if I was OK every day though.

The bell rang.

"Phil, can you stay behind please." I think I discovered the freedom of 'OK's a bit too late. The freedom may not be for much longer.

I stayed seated as Dan stood up. "Kanye feel the love tonight?" he whispered in my ear, wiggling his eyebrows at me. His flirtatious methods were so strange.

Everybody left and in the familiar setting, it was just me and Mr James again. "Phil. I have a bit of a problem with you and Mr Howell."

This was the strangest talk we ever had. He seemed angry with me, and I was angry with him. It was like he wasn't being accepting of my friend, like a parent wouldn't be. However, my parents were accepting of my friend, so I could not see his problem.

"Why? Because you have clashing personalities and you simply don't like him? He's a good friend and I'm happy with him."

He glared at me. This was my version of snapping. Usually people are aware when this happens, but when two people are angry, they won't be aware. It was difficult and frustrating.

"No. It's not that. Firstly, it's your attitude. Since when did you become so rude and inconsiderate towards people who are in authority over you. I thought you were scared of punishment. In all my years of teaching I've never seen such a change to a negative attitude in a child before."

"Negative. Thanks. You're doing absolute wonders for that at the moment, I must say."

"That was not really my point, but thank you so much for proving it. Also, your grades are falling. Somehow within 3 weeks, all of your subjects are either As or Bs. That's not usually bad for other students, but it is for you."

"Oh."

It had changed now. I thought he was getting angry with me for being me. He wasn't, he wasn't at all. My parents never told me my grades, and neither of them did particularly well in school so they were happy with anything. I wasn't. This hurt me.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, I'll do better."

I was in a mini panic at this point. It seemed so unlike me to be like this. I didn't know what I was doing wrong, or why I was doing it.

I was stressed.

"Hey, Phil, no. Calm down, it's OK. Just…" he was feeling bad at this point. No person wants to upset a minor in this way. "Just whatever you've changed in the past month, I would change it OK?"

He looked at me. I wasn't crying. I just looked shell shocked. It was as if somebody had told me really bad news.

"No, calm. Look I'll get you water and a biscuit OK. I'm sorry."

The teacher left the room and I just sat there. I sat there and wondered: what would it be like now if I wasn't hanging around with Dan. It would be better. That's what I decided.

And that was when I decided to stop spending time with Dan.


	6. Chapter 6

This is where you must pay attention. Learn from my grave mistakes. Learn that the regret I feel when I write this is deep, and troublesome. Learn that these actions which I took were wrong.

Learn that, and know that what I did was the wrong course of action.

I stumbled out of school that day.

My mind was disconnected with my body. I fumbled around, tripping several times on uneven pavements. Light from the sun shone down on me, but I felt cold. Wind passed through my body, livening up my skin and tearing up Goosebumps.

With every breath, the cold air sliced me.

I knew what I was doing – I was giving up someone I cared for. I thought it was right for me. In my head, there _was_ something wrong with our relationship, but I could not simply grasp on to what it was.

People were worrying for me. Despite my mother's approval for the boy, she still worried about my stress levels, and my unhappiness. Clearly, teachers did too – and they have hundreds of children to worry about. It seemed odd to me, and it seemed like he could have been one of the many causes.

It hurt me, but it did feel right.

It felt like I was giving him up for me. For the long-term happiness that I would have. Short-term, I knew I was going to be a wreck, but long-term it could have helped. It could have worked really well.

It would have worked well, if only I had spoken to him.

I missed the first tutoring session that week. Every Thursday we would meet, but I couldn't bring myself to go and tell him that this would no longer happen. It hurt too much.

Within my mind, I could see him sitting on the bench outside of the café, waiting. I could see him waiting for hours, like he did in the half-term. He would wait, think of funny jokes to say and then slowly, as time passed, get disappointed. He would realise that I was not going to see him.

It broke my heart to think about it, but it would have broken his heart more.

"What did I do wrong," he would whisper to himself. I never told him why I never went, but he would just blame himself.

I should never have just left him alone. Now, looking back at my innocent time, I know what the real solution would have been. Man up and talk to him. Simple. Yet all so difficult.

I truly believed that he would understand. In my innocence, I believed that because we were so alike, he would understand my thinking. In my experience, I know that because we are so alike, he could never have understood my thinking. And this brought us to the point of not understanding. The point of not knowing each other because I did not know what he would do.

And that brought us to this point.

The point of no return.


	7. Chapter 7

_A Year Later_

"Phil!"

My friends always yell nowadays. It's like some form of announcement that we have arrived, but it's not my style. I'd rather subtlety, but not everything is perfect. It's one of the many life lessons I learned in the past year.

"Phillip! Come sit here right now."

Tom and Lucy were impatient. So impatient. They wanted things done instantly, but I suppose instant and quick was my speciality: I was never one to think things through.

I smiled at them, picking up my tray. My eyes were glued on them as I moved with my food towards the table. I didn't want to look elsewhere. They were the finishing line, and I was the runner. My aim: to get there first, without accident. I had never failed to do that before, but I had many firsts in the next couple of months to come.

Metres, maybe even just centimetres, but I failed at my aim.

Leg stretched out. Aimed for me. There was nothing I could have done to stop it.

"Oi. Lester, please refrain from walking into my foot. It's so inconsiderate."

I didn't fall. At least the embarrassment of falling was spared for me. My food spilled into different compartments of the tray, but there was none of it on the floor. I regained my stance and turned to my right.

Sitting there was Sam Thornton. He was deemed a fairly attractive lad in the year to the ladies. Sam was well off, tall, buff and a blondie. What not to love? His severe dislike for me was not to love. It was dehumanising, annoying and often upsetting. He'd target me on stupid things like this for no reason. He was not homophobic and I had done nothing wrong to him.

For him, what I did wrong was upsetting Dan. In the past year, Sam and Dan became inseparable. They worked well together and got on well. Sam even supported Dan when he came out. The problem was that Sam was so loyal that he would target me.

It was awful.

"That one wasn't original, I must say," I retorted. "I think you used it last week."

I was never scared by him. Just annoyed.

"Oh," he said, pretending to be concerned. "Did you not like your trip?"

"Loved it."

"Why do you sound so angry then? You're just making it more satisfying for me, Phil."

That was not Sam's voice. It was a deeper voice. A voice which I recognised so well, but was never spoken to me in such a harsh way. It was nostalgic. I had not heard that voice for a while; a year. It was Dan's.

I peered to the right of Sam. He sat, glaring upwards. The smirk on Sam's face was not replicated on Dan's. He looked fed up: bemused. For some reason, I thought that he should have been friendlier then this.

My anger levels rose.

"You'd be angry if someone tried to trip you up daily."

"Oh, so you do speak? I thought maybe after you abandoned me, you lost your voice box or something."

I raised my eyebrows at him.

 _Not worth it._ I repeated this in my mind.

Quickly, I took a deep inhale of breath and walked onwards. He was not worth my energy anymore. I knew there was no way to salvage the relationship we once had, so why waste my time?


	8. Chapter 8

The common room was filled that day. The girls were all calling makeup companies. The lads were all talking about pulling techniques.

There was a party that night. Everybody was going.

The host was possibly the most popular person in the year. He was called Liam. Liam was intelligent, attractive, and sporty. I knew him as my most difficult chess partner. We bonded in our after-school club, and so he convinced me to attend his party.

I was not really one for parties. Often, I felt nervous about attending, and I never would drink much. Usually my friends were worse than me, so I would attend alone. For this reason, it was my first party in months.

The noise in the room was escalating. I planned to sit and work but the noise was too distracting. Swiftly, I turned around and headed outside. I needed to find a room but I didn't know where – classes were on for younger years. There would be no classroom free.

I decided that the dining room was my best bet. My legs carried me there. I wasn't in the right frame of mind and I couldn't understand why. I felt a bit dizzy, but I tried with all my might to ignore that.

The dining hall was a huge room. All the tables were circular, apart from the teachers table. This table spanned the entire right side of the room, hidden from most of the room by a large partition wall. Each seat was cushioned with red fabric. It was the best table in the room, but students were forbidden to sit there at lunch – although who would want to sit with teachers?

My legs took me to these seats. I dumped my bag on the table and slumped into the seat. I chose one of the seats which looked onto the room. I enjoyed watching people come into and out of rooms. Honestly, I would feel like I was being watched otherwise.

Out of my bag, I pulled a few books and my phone. I just wanted to listen to my music. The ear buds went in my ear and I pressed shuffle on my playlist. I did not want to be interrupted. My finger quickly increased the volume and I got to work.

I turned the pages. Most of the information kept in my head, but not everything. My brain was mostly concerned on listening to the lyrics of the music which was playing. It was Muse playing. My favourite song…

I heard muffled noises. I took out my earbuds and looked up.

"Madness by Muse." Dan was standing there, looking down at me.

I nodded, smiled weakly and looked down. Really, I wanted to just carry on but I worried that he would not allow me to do that.

"It was playing when we first met," he said. I knew that. I was not stupid. "Although, would you remember that given you've seemed to have forgotten about me."

I winced. "I never forgot," I replied, cringing a bit. I never liked to be reminded about what happened. "How could I forget?"

"Well you seemed to forget and not care."

"I'm sorry." He never confronted me, so I could never say sorry. It felt wrong for this to be happening now: I should have said it earlier.

"I've been waiting to hear that." He sounded a bit less angry. I was waiting for him to say that it was too late, but he never did. "I never stopped caring."

This shocked me. He always seemed fairly happy. It never felt like he was giving me more attention – maybe he was lying. "Sorry," I mumbled guiltily.

I looked up into his eyes. The brown eyes looked down at me. He looked upset, yet satisfied. It was as if we were both waiting for this conversation for a year. I should have already spoken to him about it, but that never happened.

"It's alright," he mumbled, smiling weakly at me ", I forgive you. I'm sorry too."

He turned around and moved out of my sight. I couldn't ask him what he was sorry for. It was a mystery. Now, I felt relieved, so I didn't want to possibly try and bring guilt back by doing something I regretted. I left it, and continued to study.


	9. Chapter 9

"Phil! You came."

Liam opened the door to me. He was beaming, mostly due to the amount of alcohol he had already consumed.

"We have lots of – what's it called – Smirnoff? Yes that. And we have games and stuff." He looked at me and my slight frown. I never did games, especially when I was under the influence of alcohol. "I will make you play games! I'm telling ya! I won't let you through till you agree."

I agreed and proceeded through to the living room. There were quite a few people in there, but all standing around the central table. I spotted a small, red chair in the corner which I went to sit in. There was a bottle of vodka to the side of it and a shot glass.

I picked them up and poured the vodka in. _Why not?_

I emptied the liquid down my throat. It was cheap – the alcohol burned. It didn't faze me – I was doing it to get drunk, not to enjoy it. I repeated it twice more and sat back, letting the effect kick in.

"Phil!" a female voice called.

None of my close friends had come. I looked up to see Sophie French, smiling at me. She was dating Sam Thornton, but was always lovely to me. Sophie had long brown hair and a slim body, so was the typical girlfriend for someone like Sam, but had a much nicer personality.

"Phil, I shall we drink together?" she asked, pulling out another shot glass.

I did not want to tell her that I had just drank. It felt nice for her to ask, so I didn't want to reject her. I poured drink into both of our glasses.

"Where is Sam?" I asked her, as she took a swig of her glass.

"Oh." She had only just gulped the drink down. "He is busy with some friends."

 _Oh, Dan won't be here then._ I thought they were joined at the hip. There was no way he would be at the party. I smiled at her and took my drink.

We sat and chatted for a while. She was talking about shops and travelling, religiously avoiding the topic of Sam. It must have been because he had mentioned to her what happened between me and Dan, but she never held it against me. This made me like her.

"Oh Phil!" My name was being called by Liam again. "Phil! You promised me a game, come on!"

I shook my head and Liam was already gone. I assumed I was safe. "Phil, I'm taking you with me," Sophie said, grabbing my hand.

She dragged me upwards. Dizziness overcame me, as did happiness. Excitement possibly? I realised how much alcohol I had consumed. It did feel like I could have fallen over as I walked over to the circle of people who were participating in the game.

"Philly!" Liam exclaimed, urging me to sit down. "Perfect amount, thanks Soph!

"So, we are playing Spin the Bottle!" I sighed. I was going to have to kiss a lad or a girl, and neither was going to have a single interest in me. _And_ , it was going to be my first kiss.

"No, idiot. It's called 10 minutes in Heaven." _Jesus, that's worse._

"Oh, there is confusion then!" Liam exclaimed. He loved explaining things. "What we are doing is spinning the bottle to find out who goes into the closet. Then they go into the closet and we put someone in – so we choose. The person in the closet must try and guess who the person in the closet is as they kiss."

It felt like I was screaming internally. I did not want to back out, but this sounded like a nightmare I had had. However, a part of me really wanted to play the game.

The bottle lied in the middle. I did not want to look up at the other people in the circle. I just watched the bottle spin around, pointing in every direction. It spun for at least a minute before slowing down. Slowing down at a miniscule speed. Slowing down onto me.

"Philly!" Liam exclaimed again. "It's you, it is you. Come on, in the closet."

I stood up clumsily. "Jesus Liam. I am out the closet."

He opened the door. There was a chair, facing the wall. Liam walked me into the small room and planted me on the chair. The light did not work, so there was no chance of cheating.

"Don't worry Philly-billy, we will keep that in mind," he called.

I sat there. Alone in the dark, waiting for somebody to come in. It could have been anybody in the party, and I had to guess. _I should have looked at the people playing._


	10. Chapter 10

The darkness filled the room. At this point, I had no sanity due to my alcohol intake. Normally I would be panicking and worrying about what was going to happen, but instead I was humming to myself and dancing a bit in the chair.

By this stage I didn't care for who it was. _It's just a game_ , I repeated in my head. A game where I was going to have my first kiss. It seemed odd to me that something I dreamt about for years was coming down to such a moment as this. A game was deciding who my first kiss was given to.

Light peered through the door. Most sane people would turn around to cheat, but I didn't think. I just sat there and waited. When the light disappeared, I did not even turn around – I just sat there.

The incomer took a single step. That was all it took for them to be standing right behind me, breathing down my neck. They put their hand on my shoulder, whilst taking an enormous sigh. The warmth soaked through my shirt. Tingles emanated in the area.

"Nola," I yelled. My first guess. I heard laughter from outside the door. My theory was that the person was taking so long because they did not want to kiss me. Nola would have hated to kiss me, so she was my first guess.

A chuckle came from behind me. The person then buried their head in my neck. First there was a breath, a warming breath. Hairs on my neck were now standing on end. The breath then developed into a peck, and then to a light sucking. I took a sharp inhale of breath. I was feeling something I hadn't felt before.

The person continued, adding more energy. They pressed more into my neck whilst moving their hands down from my shoulders to my arms and then to my wrist. Whoever it was seemed to want to kiss me.

"Guess!" I heard from outside.

"Err." I was lost in the moment. My mind was lost, and I could barely think of any names, never mind people in the party or in the game. "Liam?"

More laughter exploded from outside the door. It was a stupid guess but if I said someone who wasn't even there, they would have laughed even more. "In your dreams, Philly!" he yelled back.

I would respond angrily, but I was lost in the moment. The person had walked in front of the chair by this point, but I still could not see their features. They grabbed my wrists and pulled me up. The chair fell, clashing to the ground.

They proceeded to grasp the back of my shirt, pulling me towards them. The breath was felt on my face. With every intake of breath, they brought me closer. I had no clue who this person was, but I desperately wanted to kiss them.

That is why I made the first move. I pushed my head forward, lightly pecking the person. They seemed shocked; taken aback. It was unexpected, but the right move. They pulled me tighter into the hold, forcing themselves against the wall. I moved one hand to their hips and the other to their hair.

Short hair. "Jan," I yelled quickly. Another fit of laughter echoed through.

"No," Liam bellowed ", but close."

 _Who the hell is similar to Jan Chase,_ I thought. Jan was one of a kind; short hair, goth who was obsessed with K-Dramas and Aliens. If you did not hear her talking about the Reply series or Descendants of the Sun, then there was something wrong with her. There was no _close_ to Jan Chase.

The opposition sighed again. _Fed up with me?_ I didn't want them to make noises. My mouth moved onto theirs again, pressing deep. They had soft, gentle lips which were fighting hard against my passionate ones. They were using all their force to satisfy me.

Our passion was flaring. Their hands moved to the rim of my trousers. The fingertips moved around the top, teasing me. Immediately, my teeth went to bite his lips, telling them to do it. I didn't know why – I didn't know who it was. They moved their hands back up slowly – _they were a tease._

I heard talking from outside. I wanted to block it out and ignore it but I couldn't.

"Phil! You're _bad_ at guessing," Liam yelled through. "So, we decided one last guess or you do a forfeit."

I struggled to get free of their grasp. "W-what forfeit," I asked.

"Drink a concoction we have made."

I did not want to do that. Panic came over me. I froze in my stance. All the happiness I previously felt faded. I did not want to drink some mixture of drinks – I would feel awful afterwards. My breathing sped up.

The person in the closet moved closer towards me. I didn't want to do this anymore. They moved towards me, but towards my ear. I could hear the breathing distinctly.

"Calm," they whispered. It was a deep voice. "It's Dan. Dan Howell."

"D-Dan," I cried shakily.


	11. Chapter 11

The door cracked open. As soon as light hit us, his hands fell and I released my breath.

I looked at him and confirmed to myself. It was Daniel Howell. His face was slightly red, but soft. There was no angry crease. He didn't seem angry to have done it – any of it.

Liam came into the room, grabbing me, and then pulling me out. "Well done mate!" he called. "We will have to get Daniel to do it now!"

I felt guilty. He helped me and now he had to drink this thing. Liam held the concoction up, revealing a brown mixture with foam at the top. I did not want to think about what was in there, I just wanted to make it so Dan didn't drink it.

"Could we split it," I asked quickly. I didn't think much about the offer. I looked at Dan, who was smiling slightly by this point. Everything was confusing with the amount of alcohol I had consumed in my body.

It was too late. Dan's body had moved to the large glass which contained the liquid and had already poured it down his throat. I watched him in awe as he did it. As he put it down, a burb escaped him.

"Did you like that?" Liam asked, smirking at him.

"It was lovely."

"What about that?" Liam said, pointing to the door.

Dan smirked. He turned his head to me, tilting it slightly. In his movements, you could tell he was heavily intoxicated, but you can't say that to somebody who is drunk – especially when you are also drunk. He stuck his tongue out slightly. It seemed the mixture was kicking in.

"It – it was great," he said, barely opening his mouth.

"Oh, was it?" Liam said, prompting further discussion on it.

Dan laughed. Could I take what he was saying seriously? He was fumbling over every word. What he was given was clearly strong, but I could not get it out of him now. By this point, Dan was too drunk to believe.

"Huh, given I've wanted to do it since I met him," he exclaimed, trying to be loud but barely opening his mouth. "I didn't t-think I'd get the c-chance."

I felt a smile come onto my face. Despite me barely believing him, it felt good to hear those words. I always got the impression he liked me before the _incident,_ it was relieving to think some part of him felt that way currently.

I felt that way too.

My eyes moved to look at him. He was smiling sweetly and looking down. I smiled at him and his eyes caught it. The sweet smile turned into a smirk – he was jumping between sweet and attractive.

"I would have d-done more," he said.

Liam laughed loudly. He found all of this hilarious. "Sorry lovebirds," he said, moving closer to Dan. "Not in my house, my parents have rules about no baby making."

Dan turned his head to Liam, smiling. "Two boys don't make babies."

I sighed. It was attractive, but I think I would have been disappointed if I let myself go there. Liam was killing himself with laughter – he could barely breathe. He was really enjoying the moment.

"Dan, Jesus. You've had too much to drink."

As any drunk person does, he denied this heavily. He moved shakily, but denied accusations of him not being sober. It was funny. I was trying to ignore his comments about me, but with the intoxication, it got steadily worse. It didn't seem real.

"Calm down, Daniel," Liam said. Liam too was getting more drunk, and therefore more confident. This lead to him asking riskier questions. "Some people would forget you and Sam had been having a go at him for a year."

I smirked this time. It was the sort of statement I was waiting for all night, but did not have the courage to say. I wanted to hear his response desperately.

"That's cause' he is a dick," Dan replied. Not what I wanted to hear.

"How?" I exclaimed in defence. I didn't care what I said – he wouldn't remember in the morning.

Dan looked to the corner of his eyes. He looked slightly confused. "Err," he started. "T-there was a reason. I-I cannot remember."

He looked troubled by this. I couldn't tell why. Trouble came all over his face. He stood up. "I'm going." I didn't know where he was going but he marched out the room. He was no longer in his playful mood.


	12. Chapter 12

I went into school on Monday expecting something to have changed instantly. My form room was almost empty when I entered, and as it slowly filled up, I realised it hadn't. Liam came over to me, thanking me for going. That was it.

Usually, Mr James was taking the register before Daniel Howell arrived. When he entered the room, my eyes followed him. He looked absolutely exhausted. Bags lay underneath his eyes as if he had had no sleep. His clothes matched, with a poorly made up tie and his not-ironed pants.

"You don't look good. Are you OK Dan?" Mr James said as he walked in. In the past year, they had improved their relationship. There was no longer friction, because Dan kept his head down in the lessons and didn't speak as much.

Daniel nodded, walking over to his seat, and sitting down. He really did not look well. Sam patted him on the back. I saw him whisper something to Dan and look concerned. Did he not know what was wrong either?

I looked over at Dan. Unless he went out again, it could not have been a hangover. It didn't look like it was that sort of thing that was wrong. My eyes were glued onto him.

When he looked over at me, our eyes locked. Sparks emanated through my body. It was not something that I just felt – I knew he felt it too. But I could not tell what the sparks were saying. I couldn't find it inside of me to find out what it was. I smiled sweetly at him and he just turned away.

I didn't get a smile in return. Not even a little reaction.

 _Could this be the same boy_ , I thought to myself. He was not speaking, not chatting. Dan looked like his aim was to avoid me, as well as avoiding everybody. It was unlike him, but so was everything he had done in the past couple of days.

Dan was looking down. Mr James had gone over to him at this point. I could barely hear anything – they were on the other side of the classroom. I could only hear snip bits.

"Dan, are you sure you don't want to see the nurse," the teacher asked. "You look so ill and down."

Dan shook his head vigorously. "I'll get through the day – it is a mental thing but it'll fade off when I confront it."

"Are you sure? You can talk to me about it."

Dan nodded slightly and lowered his voice. They removed themselves from the room. By the time the bell went, we had not been dismissed. It was two minutes later when the two returned. My eyes followed them into the room.

Everybody was late to their lessons, but I wanted to be last. They left, and I just remained in the room for an extra moment. I looked back at the teacher. He looked uncertainly at me. It was a look I had never seen before.

I went on to my RE lesson, following Dan there. The classroom was right next to the boy's bathroom. We had to pass there to get to the classroom. I looked forward, searching for the sickly-looking boy, but he was nowhere to be seen.

Swiftly, I was pulled to the right in the bathroom. I was surrounded by disgusting smells, boys, and Dan. He looked deep into my eyes.

He looked worried.

"Phil. Sorry," Dan said.

"What for?"

"Friday night."

He shuffled in his stance. He looked nervous. "I-I have heard things. Things that happened. But I can't remember. I'm sorry."

He looked up into my eyes. "I'm really sorry," he repeated.

"Why are you sorry?" He looked at me. I was worried he was going to say something I didn't want to hear. _I didn't mean it_ , I thought he would say. I panicked.

His mouth opened. A noise came from his mouth but I quickly interrupted.

"Why are you sorry?" I repeated myself. "Nothing happened.

His face fell. I couldn't tell whether it was in relief or disappointment – it just fell. Whatever he was feeling had suddenly disappeared.


	13. Chapter 13

Dan looked at me. His eyes were empty. All feeling he had was gone.

"Fine," he said. He moved a bit on his feet, and looked away from me. The entirety of his face went pale, as if he was sick. It was not as if he was better, but something inside of him had changed.

I tried to catch his glance again but he was having none of it. "Dan, I'm sorry. I don't know what you've been told." Lies. "I can't imagine we spoke." All lies.

"Right."

His eyes were glued to the ground. They weren't moving an inch. The hands moved to his head and started to scratch vigorously. Clearly something was wrong but I did not know what. I thought he didn't want me to remember.

The bell rang. He shuffled to the side to get past me but I could not let him go like this. My hand reached up to his shoulder. I felt a spark between us.

"Dan. Are you OK?"

No response. He shrugged it off. The boy walked off. But he didn't turn to the classroom; his legs went the other way. Quickly, I went out the bathroom to search down the hallways but he was nowhere to be seen. It was deserted.

 _He will have had something to do,_ I thought to myself. _There will be another reason._

I tried to convince myself of this, but for the entire lesson I was staring at the empty chair. It felt like there was a ghost sitting there. I felt guilty. Something was not right with what just happened.

Days past, but still his chair was empty.

It broke my heart into smaller pieces each time when I saw it. I felt empty. I needed to see him, but I didn't know why. It felt like something was missing when I did not see him in school.

Finally, at the end of a school day I realised it. I was standing in my form room, looking around desperately. I was saying to myself that I was just looking around because I liked people watching, and I liked to know what was going on. That clearly was not the case.

When the door closed and Mr James walked in, I counted everybody. I told myself to count when I was nervous, but I wanted to look at everybody. There was one person missing, and one chair empty – Dan's chair.

The teacher read out the final register and everybody called out. My eyes were just glued on to this chair. I wished he was there, but I did not know why.

"Phil Lester," he called out. I was supposed to respond but no noise came from my mouth. I was silent. Other people began to look at me but I did not move.

"Phil?" he called out again. I moved my head as if I was just in a daze and somebody snapped me out of it, but I was fully aware of everything around me.

I looked over to him. He was looking at me worriedly. "Yeah," I called out. _Impolite and against school rules._ 'Yes Sir' was the correct way to do it, but I was not in the mood for correctness and formalities.

The register continued. Again, I looked around, searching. Within the last minute, Dan would not have appeared but I hoped. Instead of the chair, I was watching each student as they passed the window. Why could he not come to school?

The bell rang. Everybody stood up, making a ruckus. I stayed in my chair. For some reason, I could not gather the energy to stand, but staying in school would do nothing for me. All I would do is sit and wonder whilst nothing got solved.

The other students began to leave, but still I sat there. Most people left and then it was just me and the teacher.

"Phil. You're not OK, are you?"

I turned to look at him. _Einstein._ Clearly, I was not ok. "Why is Dan off, sir?"

When students were absent it was policy for the parents to email or call. If this was not done, the school could fine the family or send police to check if the student was OK. It was safeguarding. This was how I knew Mr James would know.

He looked at me from his desk across the room. It wasn't the sort of thing he should tell me, but I was trusted. "He has taken time off for his mental health."

I nodded at him. This wasn't enough to make me feel better, but I knew no more information was coming out of him. I stood up and made my way towards the door. Still, I felt empty.

Sadness could be read upon my face. I looked back at him. The teacher gave me a weak but encouraging smile. He was trying to cheer me up.

I turned to face the door and walked out into the corridor. It was the corridor where I last saw him. I stood still and looked upwards at the ceiling. There was nothing but white there but I felt like it was the most comforting thing – it was as dull as I felt.

Then I heard loud footsteps behind me.

"Phil!"

It was the teacher. I turned around to face him. He was standing right in front of me, pushing forward some papers.

"If you have free time, can you go to Dan's house and give these to him."

I took the papers and I ran.


	14. Chapter 14

My legs carried me as I sprinted.

I couldn't feel the pain surging through my legs. Blood was rushing to my muscles, powering them, but I couldn't feel it. It felt like I was floating: I couldn't feel a thing.

I was running but I didn't even know where to go. My legs took me to his road, but I never knew which house. I was lost in my search for him.

Running quickly, my eyes searched in every window, but there was no trace. He was probably in his room, rather than downstairs but I could not think of how else to find him. My mind turned to yelling but both of us would hate that and get embarrassed. I continued to run as I thought but still nothing.

There was nobody in the street. I thought I could ask somebody but there was nobody. I stood, slightly panicked, wishing for something to happen. I needed to see him: my heart relied on it.

Suddenly, a gust of wind came towards me. It was borne from a car driving past. The Renault car slowed and pulled into the side of the road. It was parked.

A man in a full, grey suit stepped out of the vehicle. He was tall with shortly cut, brown hair. His face was very round and pale. The paleness made him look sick and worried.

I ran over to him immediately.

"Excuse me, sir! I'm really sorry," I called out to him. Immediately, he turned around, looking at me. He presented a weak smile as an introduction.

By this point I had reached him. I was standing close to the man. "I'm sorry but do you know Daniel Howell?"

His eyes lit up at this moment. "Yes, he is my son. Are you his friend?"

I wouldn't have called myself his friend, but if I said no he would not have let me see him. "Yes."

"OK, come in." He looked pleased, but still worried. "I'll show you to his room, please try and make him feel better." He walked to the door and opened it. We both walked in.

We were standing in the hallway. It was a normal house in a normal area. The hallway was painted red with wooden flooring. A large photograph was to the left, of Dan and his father in a pretty forest. To the right was the staircase, covered in cream carpet. It was simple but stylish.

"What's your name?" the father asked.

"Oh, I'm Phil."

He nodded at me. "Yes, Dan has spoken about you in the past frequently." He paused for a moment. "Would you be able to tell me what is going on with him? He is so down, but he won't tell me why. Have him and Sam not been talking?"

I shrug my shoulders. I admitted to him that I didn't really know, but I was worrying and had work for him. The father decided that it was good to give him work, as he would have something to do: something to get his mind off of things.

"I'm really glad to see a friend, honestly," his Dad said. "He said he has been talking to people on his phone but nobody has come around. It seems he has been lonely for the past couple of days." His eyes went to the floor. "I've been feeling awful about it – I can't take time off of work for him. I don't think it would help anyway because I don't know what is going on."

I smiled weakly at him whilst nodding. I understood the feeling of helplessness – that was how I felt too. However, he knew he loved his son; I didn't even speak to him or knew I cared that much about him.

"I will go to _Tesco_ and buy some food for dinner. That will give you about half an hour to an hour to talk alone. I'll trust you to take care of him, OK Phil?" I nodded again. We were in complete understanding and both had the same aim – to make Dan better.

The father walked me upstairs and took me outside of the door. There were stickers plastering the wooden door, partnered with a large sign with the name 'Dan'. Nerves bubbled in my stomach but I needed to see him – I was not backing out of it.

His dad looked at me and then looked directly at the door. Raising his hand slightly, he knocked on the door.

"What is it?" Dan said weakly.

"Oh, Daniel," his father started to say loudly, but with his head down. He was not confident in his words. "I have a friend here for you. I'm going out so you two can chat."

I heard Dan stand up from his bed. He was probably thinking about how he wasn't expecting friends. He would not know it was me.

"Er, OK. Come on in."

His father opened the door widely for me. Dan was standing in a position where he could see me, and I could see him. Dan's dad left me, and descended down the stairs. I was alone, staring at Dan. Butterflies were flying around inside of me and I could not get them to stop.

"Hi Dan," I mumbled as I walked slowly in.


	15. Chapter 15

"Hi Dan."

As I walked in, he looked at me. He was not angry or annoyed: he looked confused. The brown eyes looked to the right corner, trying to work out what was going on.

"I'm sorry Dan, I needed to see you."

Dan's eyebrows lowered, with wrinkles forming on his forehead. He straightened out his mouth. Confusion ran across his face.

"Why would you need to see me? If nothing happened at the party, then we haven't spoken properly in a year... I don't understand."

Still, no part of him looked angry. If anything, he looked happy. His face was regaining colour in comparison to when I first saw him. It looked like he was using energy for the first time in a few days, but happily doing it.

"I needed to see you."

I didn't know how to tell him that I lied, so I just repeated myself. Repeated myself and smiled. This didn't clear up the confusion for him, but he was happy to continue. He ushered me to sit down on the bed, so we sat together. We faced each other, legs crossed.

"I don't understand why you would want to see me after all this time."

Dan looked down on his bed. His face was beginning to go pale again. "After all this time and you come back," he whispered to himself. He raised his voice slightly. "Phil? I'm never going to gain the courage again to ask you this so here it goes." Our eyes connected and glued together.

"Why did you stop speaking to me?"

I looked at him. I couldn't open my mouth. No movement came from me. It felt like he had just tied me up and I couldn't move – no answer would be good enough for him.

"I realise there are many things that I could have done wrong. I might have been too forward, too annoying, or too stupid for all I know. I might not even be your type. It's just, I need to know. I have such a desire to know you and even though in the past couple of months I haven't shown it, I just need you. And I need to know what I did wrong."

I smiled at him. I didn't know how to say what I needed to say. "You did nothing wrong." I whispered, but he was not finished.

"I need to know to put it right, you know? I need to make sure that you could like me... because... because..." He paused. His eyes darted to the ground as he took a deep inhale of breath. "I really like you and I can try and stop but it's so hard. I realised at the weekend, I am truly in love with you. Whether we did kiss or not, I know I love you. It's just been hard to figure it out in my head, and it has been making me sick, thinking that you would never accept me." He looked up to me again and smiled slightly.

"But that's OK."

"I would accept you," I retaliated.

Dan laughed in my face. "Of course, you wouldn't. Someone so amazing would not accept me. You're too perfect for me. You're too kind and lovely and clever. You manage so much with your time, so you can't fit in me. And I'm so rude and mean and the way I acted towards you for the whole year was disgraceful. I am a disgrace."

My face had fallen. I moved closer to him, taking short breaths. I was nervous.

"You're no disgrace to me. I am sure of that. I am not sure of my feelings, but I know what I feel at this moment. I need you right now. That is certain."

He stood up, walking to the window. It looked like he was ashamed of himself. I stood up, standing beside him.

"You would not need to see me. For all I know this is revenge – although someone so kind as you wouldn't do that."

I laughed slightly – I was gaining a bit of confidence. We turned to face each other. "I certainly wouldn't. I have needed to see you for days, and I didn't understand why." I took a step forward to be closer to him. A grin appeared on my face. Our faces were only millimetres apart.

"But I think I'm starting to know."

I slipped my hand underneath his shirt. As our skin touched, I knew all I was doing was right. I pulled him towards me, pressing our bodies together. My initial thought was to kiss him on the lips, but I wanted him to know more – to know I wanted so much from him. My lips went to his neck, gently sucking. Light moans came from his mouth. It was the reaction I wanted.

I could feel him breathing in deeply, pulling me closer towards him. He grabbed on to me. It felt like he would never let go. I didn't want to let him go either.

"Phil," he said quietly, pulling me away for a moment. "Is this real?"

I nodded, looking deep into his eyes. "It is real, I'll prove that however you want me to."


	16. Light

_Nothing felt good until that moment._

 _They both needed and wanted each other, but had no courage to discuss._

 _Now that they had clarified their thoughts,_

 _A weight had been lifted,_

 _And their hearts could be filled with love._


	17. Chapter 16

"Dan, dinner is almost ready."

His father was calling upstairs to us. We had been together, alone for a while. Together, we stood up, and he lead us downstairs.

As we went down the stairs, wafts of food filled my nose. It smelt like spaghetti bolognaise.

Dan reached the bottom of the stairs. He turned around and smiled. It was one of the most beautiful smiles I had ever seen. He looked so peaceful in comparison to what I saw before. I could not help but smile a large, proud smile.

He showed me to the kitchen, which was simple but bright. There were cream counters all around, with a large breakfast bar in the middle. A large light shone down onto the bar. Dan's dad was cooking on a large, black stove.

Dan walked me over to the seats, letting me sit down. His father turned around, with two bowls in hand, with another on the counter already. He smiled at me brightly.

"I'm sorry, I never introduced myself before," he said whilst taking a seat. "I'm Bill."

I smiled at him happily. I only felt happiness. I wanted to try and make sure that Dan felt the same, so I was only allowing happy energy out of me. I always found that if I was happy, it would help others around me to be happy. I wanted to please people.

Bill was really chatty. Him and Dan spoke about almost anything – theories about space, formula one or even different types of oboes. Every different conversation you could imagine could have come up, but it was fun to listen to.

Sometimes, I would contribute. Whenever I contributed, they both seemed to smile more and laugh more. It seemed they wanted me in the conversation, and I felt wanted. It was a wonderful night.

As I left, Bill gave me a pat on the back and went upstairs. It was just me and Dan standing in the doorway. He looked at me and gave a weak smile. It looked as if something was wrong again.

"Did you come here to just kiss me then?" he said, raising his eyebrows. From the look on his face, it didn't look like that was what he truly believed, but it was a concern within him.

I shook my head vigorously. "Of course not," I said, taking his hand. "Honestly, I needed to see you. I didn't know why but when I came here, I realised. I really like you Dan."

I looked into his eyes. He had the biggest grin on his face. "Really?"

I nodded again. I didn't want him to believe that I was using him. Even though I was not sure of love, I was sure that I liked him, and wanted to see where we could go. He was a wonderful person, and I felt it could work.

"Well, I'll text you, OK?" he said, letting go of my hand. I turned around and walked away from the house, taking a final glance as I was by the gate. I gave him a big smile.

I was sitting in my room. I lay on my bed, awaiting the text. It felt stupid, waiting. Something inside of me thought that he wasn't doing it purposely. Maybe he did not actually like me but wanted to make a fool of me. I didn't _think_ it was the case, but after what happened in the past couple of days, anything could've happened.

 _Buzz._ My phone vibrated next to me. I darted upwards. My hand reached for my phone, which was lighting up. Quickly, with my fingers fumbling, I unlocked my phone.

 _Dan: Phil! Please say this is your number. I was just texting to say I really enjoyed tonight but..._

I could see on the app that Dan was typing, and had been for about two minutes. I was so nervous to see what he was going to say. What would he say? My phone vibrated again in my hands, almost jumping out of my grasp. I looked at the message.

 _But... I don't want to go further without some questions answered and some things resolved. Past there, I will be happy with you – but it is what I need. I hope you're OK with that._

Rapidly, I typed a response. I said 'yes' so this, but it still didn't tell me what he was on about. Nerves still rumbled in my stomach. It started to turn to nervous pain and it was almost unbearable. The phone vibrated again.

 _Firstly, you need to finally tell me why you stopped speaking to me. I need to know, so please give me that. Secondly, you need to speak to Sam – I want you two to try and work it out._

I had to speak to him about why I left, but I couldn't simply do that over text. It would feel wrong like that. With Sam, it felt like it was always his dislike for me, but I could definitely try on that front.

I began my response. _Dan, they are both OK. I promise you that tomorrow I will start to try with Sam. But I cannot simply text you why I stopped speaking – let me do that in person._

Instantaneously he responded. _Tomorrow after school in the café then!_

I smiled. At least everything would be clear soon.


	18. Chapter 17

I almost forgot about it all the next day. It felt like a dream. I was almost in a dream state as I entered the form room and sat down. Next to nobody was in there apart from the teacher and 4 other students – including Sam.

I placed my bag down on my desk and put my head down. I had barely any sleep last night due to the obscure events of the day. It didn't feel bad though – I was still very happy.

"Bit tired, are we?" I heard from the front desk. My teacher often tried to speak to me as if he was one of the students, but many times it would not work.

I moved my head up and smiled at him. It was clear I was tired, so why ask? He gestured for me to come over, so I stood up and walked towards him. I faced away from the door so that it felt more private.

"Did you manage to give Dan the homework," he asked.

My head moved to look at the floor as I smiled. It brought back memories of the night before. I nodded slightly, but still looked downwards. I knew that if he caught my eye, he would get a grasp of what happened.

"So, you had a good night then?" It seemed like he possibly already understood. It was an awkward thing for a teacher to infer, but I could look past it.

"Did Daniel look any better?" he inquired finally. I looked up at him, smiling still. Quickly, I nodded at him and he smiled too.

The door opened and creaked. The person came and stood next to me – it was Dan.

"Well, speak of the devil then," Mr James said, laughing slightly. Dan looked at him and gave a huge grin. He was still happy, even after sleeping.

"As the devil, I am here to steal the angel," Dan proclaimed, grabbing my hand but not moving. He pulled his tongue out at the teacher who simply just laughed. Despite their original bad introductions, they had begun to get on well.

The teacher let out a playful groan. "Fine," he said. "Only if you admit to me: you do feel better."

Dan smirked at him. It looked like his happiness had been hidden underneath a suffocating blanket for a year, but finally it was able to be free. "Never better," he said smugly, before whisking me away.

We turned, with him still holding on to my hand. I looked at him and smiled. I did not expect for him to be in the next day, but he was here. He took me over to Sam, who was sitting at his desk in the corner of the classroom.

Sam's face was full of colour and happiness. Probably for seeing his friend so joyful. Despite the lack of kindness Sam had expressed to me in the previous year, I could clearly tell that he was an excellent friend. He did truly care for Dan.

However, his joyfulness was paired with confusion. He looked down at our hands and then looked up to Dan's face. Once fully in-taking that, he tilted his head to the side to completely work out the situation. He was puzzled, but not concerned.

They both looked at me. Dan seemed to want me to speak but I honestly did not know what to say. After having such a hard time with each other, I could not see how me and Sam were expected to get along, but I had to try.

"Hi Sam," I started nervously, but looking into his eyes. "I'm sorry for being awful to Dan. Please forgive me." He raised his eyebrows at me. That didn't seem like enough. "I'll buy you cookies."

Sam turned his glance to Dan. Dan was nodding at him, encouraging him to say something. He turned his glance back to me.

"Hi Phil. I'm sorry for being awful to you. I won't be awful as long as you're good to Dan and give me a cookie." He laughed slightly at the end. "The cookie won't be necessary."

I laughed nervously. Dan whooped, suggesting that it was all good. I wished it was good for us. I really wanted it all to work.

"Really?" I said, looking at him puzzled. He laughed and nodded. It seemed that he was just an extremely loyal person, and he verified that he did not have much against me personally. Relief came over me once I knew that.

He offered for me to come sit with them, which I politely accepted. Truly, Sam was willing to speak to me and we got on well. It seemed things were looking good for me and Dan. Throughout the day I completely forgot about the café trip which I had yet to endure. That was surely going to be the downfall of all the goodness which had happened.


	19. Chapter 18

We walked together to the park, where the café was. Dan spoke for the entire journey, talking about Sam. He wanted to tell me his likes and dislikes, interests, and quirks. It seemed he really wanted me and Sam to become friends, and through what he said, I believed I would be interested to do that too.

The café was similar to before. The brick and white walls still remained, with some photographs adorning them. The light still shone into the café. However, in the past year, there was new management and new staff – I didn't know anybody who worked there anymore.

The one memory I could recreate was the one of Leonardo. We sat in those seats as we ate and I told him the story of that guy. Dan laughed, finding it hilarious the stories that I came out with. He too had similar stories, both in this town and where he used to live. We could have spoken for hours if it were not for the impending question.

"Phil, you're going to have to tell me," he said, as a minute pause occurred.

I nodded, knowing what he was referring to. It was much better for our friendship and relationship if I just told him why I did not speak to him. Really, I knew I should never have kept it in and the past year would have been much more pleasant than it had been in reality. I looked at him, hoping for forgiveness for what I was about to say.

"I'd like to start with 'I'm sorry'," I said. "It is not very much, but is the first step. I'd like to also say, I lied about the party. What you heard was true – we did kiss. I'm very sorry for hiding that from you."

His head nodded slowly. He was taking it in, but not frowning. It did not seem like he was too upset about what I had just said, but that was not the main part of what I needed to say.

"The reason I stopped speaking last year was cowardly. I feel horribly guilty about it, but I hope you understand. It was noticed by peers that I had been falling behind in subjects when I was spending time with you, and that you created a lot of stress for me. I was seemingly not doing very well when with you."

"I-," he began, but I interrupted. I could not let him speak when I hadn't finished in case he never got the full story.

"But I realise that it wasn't you. It was because I was so focused before, but I could finally relax and have fun. School is not everything, and I realised afterwards that I should have just balanced my time better. Other things were impacting me at the time. It was not you and I should not have let myself believe it was.

I know that now though, and I know that I won't do it again. If I've lost you once and got you back, I can't rely on doing that again. I like you, so I'm going to keep you."

He smiled at me. "I was going to say, before you _rudely_ interrupted. I _do_ forgive you." Dan paused for a moment, sitting up in his chair and readjusting his posture. "So, who was that idiot who told you that?"

"Mr. James," I responded, feeling bad for shoving somebody into the bad books of Daniel Howell, but as long as me and Dan were happy, I did not mind.

Dan just chuckled. "I knew that guy had it out for me. He doesn't hate me so much now though so I won't destroy him."

This boy had forgiven me for something that was so dreadful. In fact, he was making jokes about it and laughing. It was possibly the best outcome I could have possibly wished for.

We stayed in the café until 7pm. Most of the time was spent laughing and talking about things in the past year. He didn't seem upset about what I revealed – only revealed.

It made me believe that this boy was more than I thought. I could not get the thought of him out of my head. I wanted to see him constantly.


	20. Chapter 19

**_Sorry for the late update - I was celebrating my GCSE results for a few days!_**

As soon as I got home, I received a text message. It was from Dan.

 _Dan_ : _I found a dating site for single Italian men in the UK! We can try and find Leonardo!_

I laughed as I ran up the stairs to my room. As soon as I got in my room, I shut the door and flopped on to my bed, still laughing. It made me so pleased that he was joining in my jokes and knowing these small things about me. I felt a smile creep onto my face.

I thought about him. His smile popped into my head. All I could see was this award-winning smile, which could make anybody happy. It felt like a miracle had occurred when you saw it. Every problem you faced could be fixed with that smile. It was the smile which gave me joy and happiness, even when everything felt wrong.

My thoughts moved on to his bright personality. He could find the goodness in most things, without being overly cheerful. Dan made things seem great, even when they weren't. Usually, he would not see it this way as he felt his mind was dark, but he brightened up the world for me. He was my star in the dark, night sky.

Most of all, I could not forget about how forgiving he was. Daniel Howell had forgiven our year-long lack of discussion within moments. He was willing to forget my stupidity, and was able to move on. I knew that most people would not be able to do this – it made him special.

I knew from this moment onwards that I truly loved Dan. It was such a warming feeling to know that there was somebody out in the world who was made for me. He was so special and I knew it. Every time I thought about him, my mood instantly improved. I wanted him all to myself.

It worried me that he was not all for me.

We were not together. Not officially. The warmth escaped me when I realised this. We only kissed – we never said to each other that we were exclusive. I desperately wanted to be exclusive, but I couldn't just ask him over text. Nerves welled up inside of me.

I knew I needed to make it special.

I wanted to make him feel the same way as me. I needed him to completely realise how I felt about him. My heart fluttered at the thought of him, and I wanted his to do the same.

But I didn't know what to do. What would make someone feel so amazing about someone else? Some flowers? Panic flurried inside of me. I needed a big plan but there was no idea popping in to my head.

I stood up from my bed and paced up and down. I couldn't think of a single idea. I needed an idea which would make him happy, laugh and cry (tears of happiness of course). It needed to be so special, and so meaningful that he would never forget it.

I tried to think about meaning within our relationship. There was not much I could think of, given we hadn't reconnected for much time and when we were friends, there wasn't much time together then either. I felt frustrated as I searched in my head for ideas.

Suddenly, I thought of a place: the café. It wasn't beautiful, but there was a piece of the park which was beautiful by it. Ideas started swelling in my head. I could not do it alone, however. Quickly, I picked up my phone and started a group chat with Tom, Lucy and Sam. Tom and Lucy would want to help me and Sam would want to make Dan happy.

Rapidly, I typed. We wanted to make it perfect for the next Saturday. It _was_ going to be perfect.


	21. Chapter 20

The night was young. I sat in the park, on a bench. My best clothes were on; a white shirt and black trousers. Lucy said I looked dapper, but I begged to differ.

My bench was simply wooden, but it was not the ending place for the night. I had arranged for a table and two chairs to be brought out from the cafe and placed in the park. Along side this, Lucy and Tom were playing the violin and guitar, creating a beautiful setting.

I sat alone, waiting. I was waiting for Sam to bring Dan to me, after tricking him into saying that they were going out to play some games. Instead, Dan was to be spending a romantic night with me, as Sam fetched our food. I was so glad that Sam was up for helping me - I could not do it so well without him.

With me, I had some roses. I wanted to make it so special - I had an urgent desire for it. They were all red, to signify love. I was told that it was a particularly girly way of expressing love, but I wanted to express it in any way possible. It seemed like a good choice.

With my nerves welling up, I sat and waited. Sam said he was going to arrive at 6:30 but it was 6:31. I was probably being strange, but I could not help it in this situation: anything could happen. For all I knew, Dan could have turned up and laughed in my face. How could I truly know how Dan felt?

I took deep breaths. My lungs were completely filled. I had to get the oxygen around my body and up to my brain. It felt like all the blood was rushing from my head, making me feel nauseous. I could have fainted at any moment and nobody would have found me.

My eyes lifted to look at the dark, nights sky. It was clear - all the stars could be seen from my seat. I was away from most lights. These were the only lights I had, and I needed them to guide the way. They were going to be my companions in this journey: my journey to love.

I felt footsteps and I quickly stood up. My eyes could not see anybody in the distance. The stars were not lighting up much: my sight stretched only a few metres. These metres were not enough to see who was there.

With my posture held high, I tucked in my shirt quickly. The flowers were still in my hands, and I was worried they were going to fall. Quickly, I put them on the floor and adjusted myself. I had to look perfect for Dan.

My heart was pounding as I stood up. I didn't lift my eyes up, as I was making sure every inch of my body looked perfect. In my mind, it would never be perfect enough for him but is there such thing as perfection?

"Phil?" I heard from the distance.

I looked up to see the brown eyed boy looking at me in shock. Next to him, Sam smiled at me. Rapidly, the friend gave me and wink and walked off, leaving me and Dan together.

"What are you doing here, Phil?" Dan asked, walking up to me. He looked shocked, amazed and pleased.

I laughed, taking a step forward towards him. I wanted to just take him into my arms immediately.

"I'm here to surprise you!" I said, beaming at him. He looked so happy, but confused.

"You've certainly done that already," he said.

We giggled together. Dan came forward and embraced me in a gigantic hug. It felt like my world had finally come together properly. It was the most amazing feeling.

However, the nausea in my stomach still had not disappeared. I felt nervous beyond belief: what if he didn't like what I had lined up? What if he did not want any of the food? What if he wanted Tom and Lucy to go? He may not have liked Tom and Lucy for all I knew.

I nuzzled my head into his shoulder. It was comforting for my very nervous self. He could sense the nerves and whispered to me.

"Are you OK?"

I nodded, whilst still nuzzled. It wasn't much movement, but he understood. He seemed less tense from that moment onwards.

Slowly, I pulled away, taking a step backwards. There was a rustle in the ground. I didn't know what it could be - we were in Summer, so there should be no leaves on the ground.

My eyes darted downwards to see the roses. A petal had come off on the floor. Now, the flowers were not perfect. I wanted to scream and cry. It was only a little thing, but to me, in that moment, it felt like my world had just crashed.

Quickly, I picked them up.

"I'm so sorry," I pleaded, handing the roses forward. I closed my eyes in anticipation of an awful response. I needed his acceptance and pleasure. Despite it being such a tiny thing, it seemed like I was not going to get it now.

Slowly, I opened my eyes. He was looking at me, holding a huge, bright smile on his face. It was a smile that I could picture forever. It was the most beautiful smile - it held pride and happiness together.

"Phil, they are beautiful," he said, gripping them in his hands. "They aren't the most beautiful things I've ever seen, but they are spectacular."

I winced. They weren't the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. I wanted them to be perfect, but they clearly weren't. My hopes went downwards.

"What is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?" I asked, lowering my tone.

He giggled. Dan's mouth erupted into a huge smirk. "You, you rat."

My heart felt full again. I felt like leaping into his arms, but I knew this was not the right thing to do. Slowly, I went forward again. I made sure not to crush the flowers in his hands, and kissed him on the forehead. Sparks flew between the touching skin.

He gleamed at me. Dan looked so happy. I wish everybody could have shared the happiness which we felt in that moment. It made me sad to know that not everybody would feel that happy, but it pleased me that me and him could feel that happiness.

"So, why am I here?" he asked, smiling. "Obviously to see you but what else?"

I laughed. "Well follow me then."


	22. Chapter 21

We arrived in the seating area. Tom and Lucy were sitting, playing their instruments. They did not move their heads up to look at us: the aim was to make it seem as normal and natural as possible.

Together, me and Dan walked over to the table and chairs. There was a white cover to the table with a candle lying on top. He made a delighted noise. It was very beautiful, even if I said so myself.

Quickly, I walked to his chair and pulled it out for him. I needed to be a gentleman. He sat down and thanked me politely, whilst smiling to himself. I walked to my chair and sat, looking into his eyes.

He looked so happy. We sat and we laughed with the beautiful music playing in the background. Dan was having a wonderful time, it seemed. So was I.

He began to wonder what the event was. I never asked the question. We had gone through a 3-course meal, which Sam had brought for us. Still, I did not pluck up the courage. I had to think of something special to then use to pop the question.

"Look up at the stars, Dan," I said, smiling at him. I couldn't make it too obvious, but I wanted to make it romantic - stars always encouraged romance.

His head moved upwards as he smiled. We looked up together. I couldn't name any constellation, but I could see the beauty in the stars.

I searched in the night sky. "That one," I said, pointing upwards. His eyes darted around, but he could not see which one I exactly meant. "The brightest one; can you see it?"

He nodded, whilst still smiling. Dan did not know what was going on but he was still so happy about it all. His happiness could be felt inside of me and was urging me to continue.

"That one, that is you," I said. It was a cliché sort of line, but I needed some form of cliché to start. "To me, you are the brightest star in the sky."

He laughed out loud. It was a huge laugh. "You're an idiot, Phillip Lester! You could get an original pick-up line!" he exclaimed, still laughing slightly.

"Wait! But I hadn't finished" I said, laughing slightly too. "You're ruining my moment - I was trying to be romantic."

He looked down from the sky at me. "Continue then."

"You are the brightest star in the sky. You are possibly the brightest thing which ever existed. This is not because of your brightness in your heart, because you would claim you are an it isn't bright. It may not be bright to you, but it is bright to me."

He looked so happy, but confused. He didn't know what was going on.

"This brightness allows me to see in darkness and helps me bring brightness to other people. It gives me energy and happiness. I fear that one day I would not get this brightness, but I need it. How could I see my future, when I could not see at all? I need you."

He looked completely perplexed.

"I need you to be my boyfriend."

Dan's face lit up. The music got louder and allowed for a beautiful moment. He stood up from his chair and came over to hug me. We were happy in this moment: I hoped we would be happy forever.


End file.
